CEO –Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO– Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER — What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW– The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.


  1. William said,

    October 7, 2008 at 19:18

    ASK – The lowest price an employee is willing to beg for when asking for a job.

    BLUE CHIPS – The tokens put on the poker table to gamble away your money.

    SECURITIES – Something you wish you had in your employment outlook.

    SPREAD – 1. The cheap stuff you’ll be using instead of butter.

  2. robertsgt40 said,

    October 7, 2008 at 20:39

    ASK- WTF happened BLUE CHIPS- That what is dumped by a blue bull SECURITIES- something that is nonexistant SPREAD-something you do after you bend over

  3. skulz fontaine said,

    October 7, 2008 at 20:43

    Angry- as in fire up the guillotine and let’s have us a revolution!

  4. FatNSassy said,

    October 7, 2008 at 22:16

    This was very clever. I just may read it to my class tomorrow. Who wrote it so I can give credit to them?

  5. KevKev in Apache Junction said,

    October 7, 2008 at 22:33

    Whenever a Bush Family member is in the White house.
    1982-1983 – George H.W. Bush
    2000-2010 – George W. Bush
    2010-2012 – Jeb Bush
    2012-2020 – Jenna Bush

  6. Me Here said,

    October 7, 2008 at 23:40

    008 HAHA : Me laughing my tits off as the Imperialist empire takes an imperial dive down the toilet.

  7. Masher1 said,

    October 8, 2008 at 01:58

    i am sorry the regularly scheduled comment was prempted for this important message— Nail down the hatches Folks… This one is gonna get rough and heated!… Serious Folks are coming… Your very headspace is going to be invaded.

  8. corsair said,

    October 8, 2008 at 03:30

    Derivitives………….after looking at your pension……what comes out before you go liquid and empty out your bowels.

  9. Carl Marks said,

    October 8, 2008 at 09:30

    IRA – Individuals robbed of assets.

    401k – The price of milk by the time you reach retirement.

    Liquidity – A symptom of Stock Market Collapse diarrhea.

    Mortgage – Used to measure the time of death of the Housing Bubble.

    Bad Debt – An oxymoron, like “deafening silence”, suggesting that being in debt can be considered good.

  10. Carl Marks said,

    October 8, 2008 at 09:57

    Bailout Plan – All the life boats and life preservers(or parachutes) will instantly be issued to the rich, everyone else will be chained to the doomed ship/plane.

  11. Wil said,

    October 8, 2008 at 10:57

    LEVERAGE – The principle you apply when you try to force open the doors of the bank when there’s a ‘bank holiday’

    DIVIDEND – useless multiplication, since 30% of zero is still zero

  12. corsair said,

    October 8, 2008 at 17:21

    Actuallly heard one year ago from Smart? people:

    “I am in the Stock Market for the long haul.” 50ish person of means.

    “Too many stops now, a depression will never happen again.” PHD Economics.

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